First, I want to start by saying how much all of the comments over the last few days have meant to me. I was beyond heart broken and was unable to say much about Bailey’s death. Also, it has helped me in dealing with the guilt I am feeling. I blame myself a lot. Maybe because we do not know what actually happened? But I feel guilty that I chose to do the surgery. I also feel guilty that I was at work Saturday. My husband was home with her all day and took care of her, but maybe if I had been here I would have noticed that there was a change in her once I got home. I also wonder if I missed any signs. I keep replaying the night over in my head. Sure, she was a little drowsy, but she just had surgery and was on pain medication. Yeah, she didn’t move much, but I thought it was because she had not adjusted to being down a limb. I did not encourage her to get up more than necessary. Did I miss a sign that something was terribly wrong? Was she trying to tell me and I didn’t pay attention? I even recounted the pain medication to make sure we didn’t accidently give her a tramadol instead of the anti-inflammatory (we did not). I also wonder if I should have refused the fentanyl patch. Was the medication too much for her? Was it a stroke? A blood clot?
There are so many questions that I will never get answered. However, I have to stop blaming myself. And I think reading all of the comments helped me to realize I did what I thought was best at the time. I was trying to help her rid her pain and infections. I made choices that I thought would help her quality of life. God had other plans.
We are trying to adjust as best we can with Bailey gone. My husband and I are still extremely sad. My son has adjusted quite well. I let him know that God needed Bailey to play with the kids in Heaven and that she had four legs again and was not having pain anymore. He seemed okay with this and tells people that Bailey went to Heaven and isn’t sick anymore.
Again, I want to thank everyone for the encouraging words and condolences. They were so much appreciated.
-Chrissy
Chrissy,
Blaming ourselves is a normal thing. Wondering if we missed a sign or could have done something differently is totally normal as well. I don’t believe you could have done anything or missed a sign.
You are right Bailey still had surgical drugs on board. Sometimes things happen that can never be explained. This isn’t easy at all especially so soon after surgery.
I think you gave your son the best explanation and kids adjust really well and go on and tell the truth. Bailey isn’t sick. She has no pain.
Grieving is tough no matter when you do it. So soon is really hard. Please watch for Bailey’s signs she will send them and let you know that she is ok.
Lean on us. Continue to write about Bailey and use her blog. Writing is a good therapy.
Thinking of you and your family
Michelle & Angel Sassy
We can make ourselves crazy with second-guessing, what-if-ing, and blame. Sometimes things just happen; it seems to me, if there was something big and noticeable going on, you would’ve seen it. With this journey, we all seem to have hyper-acute awareness of our animals. For me, it would be hard to not have an explanation, but sometimes there is none. My first Dobe died suddenly at age 6 – within an hour or so of me coming home from work – out of the blue, with no real explanation, so I know a little of how you are feeling. I think if there was something “there”, you would’ve known. Wishing you peace in the coming days, be kind to yourself, forgive yourself.
Paula and Warrior Angel Nitro
Chrissy, there is nothing you personally could have done differently. By all accounts Bailey’s recovery was typical, and nothing that raised any red flags in my mind (and I have seen literally thousands of recoveries here).
These random, tragic awful deaths are rare but when they happen, oh how we all hurt. All of us ache for the pain you and your husband are going through, and we hope that you will not hold so much guilt inside your hearts, you did the very best you could. Bailey knew that. She will never forget all you did for her.
We are always here for you, please lean on us OK?
I can only ditto what everyone else has said. I do want to point out something that we have seen here that is COMPLETELY unavoidable . On occasion we have seen dogs get a clot instantly. We’ve seen this even while they were under 24 hr care at the Clinic. Everyone here can assure you there is NOTHING that could jave changed the course in that case.
We all do what we MUST do to give our pups a chance at quality. To NOT pursue that chance would NOT be fair to our pups. It sickens me that this happened, but the u thinkable happened. Obviously, jad things turned out differently you would not be wasting energy on the worthless emotion of blame and guilt. That is NOT what Bailey wants for you.
Bailey wwnts you to remember the thousands of happy times you shared. Bailey is bragging to everyone at the Bridge avput the fun times he had with you and how spoil3d and ador3d he was!❤
I’m copying a poem that our sweet Michelle posted not too long ago. Through your tears, I hope you find some comfort
My dear human,
I see that you are crying, for it is my moment to leave. Don’t cry, please. I want to explain some things to you.
You’re sad because I left, but I’m glad I met you.
How many dogs like me die daily without meeting someone special like you?
I know it saddens you my departure, but I had to go now.
I want to ask you not to blame yourself for anything. I heard you sobbing that you should have done something else for me. Don’t say that, you’ve done a lot for me! Without you I would have known nothing of the beauty I carry with me today.
You must know that we animals live the present intensely and we are very wise: we enjoy every little thing every day, and forget the bad past quickly. Our lives begin when we know love, the same love you gave me, my angel without wings and two legs.
Know that even if you find an animal that is seriously injured, and that you only have a little bit of time in this world, you provide a huge service by accompanying you in your final transition.
None of us likes to be alone, except when we realize it’s time to leave.
Maybe for you it’s not so important that one of you is next to us caressing us and holding our paw, helps us go in peace.
No more crying, please. I’ll be happy. I have in memory the name you gave me, the warmth of your house that in this time became mine. I take the sound of your voice talking to me, even though I don’t always understand what you were saying to me.
I carry in my heart every caress you gave me.
Everything you did was very valuable to me and I thank you endlessly, I don’t know how to tell you, because I don’t speak your language, but surely in my eyes you could see my gratitude.
I’m just gonna ask for two favors. Wash your face and start smiling.
Remember how good we live together these moments, remember the antics I made to cheer you up.
Relive like me all the good we share in this time.
And do not say you will not adopt another animal, because you have suffered a lot from my departure. Without you I would not live the beauties I lived.
Please don’t do this! There are many like me waiting for someone like you.
Give them what you gave me, please, they need it just like I needed you.
Don’t keep the love you have to give, for fear of suffering.
Follow my advice, cherish the good you share with each of us, recognizing that you are an angel to us animals, and that without people like you our life would be harder than sometimes it is.
Follow your noble task, now it’s up to me to be your angel.
I will accompany you in your path and help you help others like me.
I will talk to other animals who are here with me, I will tell you everything you have done for me and I will point and say proudly: “that’s my family”.
Tonight, when you look at the sky and see a blinking star I want you to know that it’s me flashing an eye; warning you that I arrived well and telling you “thank you for the love you gave me”.
I say goodbye now not saying ” goodbye “, but ” see you later “.
There is a special sky for people like you, the sky where we go and life reward us by making us meet there.
I’ll be waiting for you!”
Author unknown
With love
Sally and My Chunky Spiritual Being Happy Hannah and Merry Myrtle and Frankie